Aquarius:

You’re in an affectionate playful mood, thanks to lovely Venus gracing your self-expression zone, but your radar could be off when Venus bumps up against confusing Neptune. You may be yearning to gain a sense of your own self-worth through someone you’re fond of, or you could be overestimating that person’s worth. If there’s a love interest in the picture, your judgment is likely to be fuzzy, possibly because of a confidence or financial issue. You feel a strong desire to have fun, date and indulge in leisurely interests and creative pursuits, but you’re carrying around a heaviness inside you that impedes pleasure. And the pressure to reach goals or a delay in your career trajectory is also weighing you down. Allow yourself to experience some joy! Free your mind with abstract and innovative thinking. And feed your brain messages about your uniqueness and brilliance until you feel your heart warming up.

Source: Astrology – Free People Horoscopes by Tracy Allen, May 13-19 | Free People Blog http://blog.freepeople.com/2013/05/free-people-horoscopes-1319/#ixzz2TJ35EtJk

My feet are hurting beyond measure, as are my legs and back. Throbbing feeling… I could barely walk when I’d finished. I was hobbling. But, I still managed to put on my dancing shoes & dress, and go for it tonight with the best of them. Danced the hell out of every single track. One guy even came and lifted me up in a romantic sweep at one point, was hilarious. Fantastic vibe tonight. Saw so many people from the gym, was odd. I danced with 70% of them too…ahaha!

Considering that I so need to get my ass to work in 3 hours. Maybe it’s easier not to sleep at all and to go in deprived…somehow I find that gives you more energy sometimes.

For now I had better quit blogging.

Although, I find frustratingly that whenever I’m out now, I look for J. It’s pathetic. But I do. I always half expect to bump into him like that first night. It’s odd. Even people who look vaguely like him, make my stomach skip a little for a few split seconds. I need to stop that. …Why am I admitting this?

…damn I’m pretty drunk. I’m going to sleep before this becomes a blog full of shite.

…

Meet Charlie. Aka ‘C’.

Charlie rides a motorbike in leathers, and plays football in shorts that show off his legs.

We like Charlie.

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-between
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can’t help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate

We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-between
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it’s too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-between
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-between
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah…

I experienced the other side today. The side where you pack the food, spread the blankets, kiss the bumped heads better and get worried when the kids wander out of sight.

I didn’t realise there was quite so much drinking and pot smoking involved in the other side. You kind of don’t see that when you’re a kid. A cigarette is just a cigarette. A grown up drink is just a grown up drink.

Ah well. Not my kids, not my moral issue.

Honestly speaking, I haven’t enjoyed a good joint for a long while. I had a few pulls here and there, but not enough to be sufficiently high. It’s not something regular any more, like how it used to be with my friends during young blood summers… they all grew up and started sniffing things up their noses and taking tablets and things and I just…diverted. I wasn’t there to be offered all that. I was hitting the gym, I was studying, working on my career, my future.

Future…

I was watching C today. Watching him mess with the kids, run around like a child himself. It warmed me up inside, made me smile. Such rough tenderness, and good heart.

It also drew attention once again to the fact that I have no maternal flicker. No nesting instinct. Which kind of bothers me. Not overly, I just never understood why I wasn’t good with children. I feel like I should have a motherly instinct coddled away inside my ovaries like all women supposedly do. The blankets neatly tucked and pillowcases stuffed, you know?

Will that change one day, I wonder? Am I still just too young and immature? Too flighty? I sit and watch it all, and feel the need to…leave. To get out of there. To not be part of this scene. This weird twist of heat, and dry mouth, and mouth sticking in a smile as you think up retarded answers to kids retarded (but occasionally insightful) questions.

It might change I guess. It might not. Just an observation of the day… I’m mellow. It’s been a good day. I’m just being introspective I guess.

I wish J would text me back, I miss him when he’s all silent. I can’t help but feel this internal creeping sensation that he’ll disappear for another month. I try not to expect anything, he’s made it plain I shouldn’t, but I crave his company. Crave him. Just him, not anything else really. His company, in its most basic form.

My body has given up on me this week. I went to the osteopath yesterday after spending the afternoon limping. And she told me I need to be careful, and I need more regular treatments. I need to look after myself more. It was only a light warning, I’m okay, but she’s right.

I do too much.

Exercise is how I vent. And that’s great, it’s healthier than other methods of venting. But I need to relax too. Stop agreeing to cover one more class, or fit one more client in that slot, or skip lunch to learn new choreography.

Well, first I need to learn to relax.
Learn to sit and do nothing.
Then work on doing it more often.

Can’t be that hard right?

Hitting sales target at work for the first time in 7 months will mean a good bonus on my pay check.

Things with my friends are calming down a little. They’re being more accepting. Less quick to jump to the ‘you’re an idiot’ sentence.

My mum didn’t say a word when I rolled in at 7:40am on Sunday morning after a Saturday night out. (Thought there was going to be a massive row like last time). And despite the fact that I (again) never let her know where I was. And when I did tell her when she asked I lied. She just seems to have given up on being angry and gotten used to the fact that as I always have, I come and go.

Being on early shifts this week is helping me get my routine back together.

This is a more positive week. Things feel better than they did. Little bit messy maybe, but we can deal with that.

Don’t really know what else to say for myself, though there’s plenty I could say.

Maybe later when I actually get to sit down.

I’m making the conscious decision, to let it all go. What my friends think, what I think, the differences between what I know I should do and what I want to do. It’s all gone. Piss in the wind.

Here’s to potential more than probable disfigurement. Both of the aforementioned facial area, and of the internal operation desk.
Which for the last week has had paper flying across it, people yelling, and navigation minions panicking as they attempting to divert my inevitable course.

In laymans terms, I’m fucked.

Done.

Up the proverbial creek with no paddling device.

And I don’t even mind anymore.

Whiskey coke please. Shots a many. Stat. At least if I’m drunk I won’t feel it when my face falls off.